5 reasons we shouldn’t ‘compliment’ people who lose weight

Queensland: “You look so great! Have you lost weight?” “Wow, you’re looking so healthy now! Good for you.” As fat people, we’ve heard comments like this for most of our lives. At the times when our bodies were smaller, these comments made us feel proud and accepted. We felt like we were finally “good enough”.

But when we regained the weight, as happens for most people, we felt like our bodies were no longer “good enough” and that these well-intentioned comments were in fact harmful.

Through our work as size- and weight-inclusive researchers, we’ve come to understand it wasn’t just us – the extent of harm from comments such as these is far-reaching.

Both positive and negative comments about weight can lead to negative outcomes. Whether they lose weight or not, larger-bodied people are judged and criticised.

Women’s weight in particular is policed and considered fair game for comment. Consider the commentary about the recent weight loss of celebrities such as Lizzo and Serena Williams.

The effects can be even worse for those with multiple marginalised identities across race or ethnicity, gender, class and ability.

It’s time we stop “complimenting” weight loss, even when well-intentioned. Here’s why – and what to do instead.

5 reasons why ‘complimenting’ weight loss can harm

1. It reinforces weight stigma

Complimenting weight loss sends the message that smaller bodies are better, and contributes to negative attitudes, beliefs and stereotypes about larger-bodied people.

This leads to unfair treatment of larger-bodied people in places such as school, work and social settings. For example, larger-bodied people, especially women, are often seen as less suitable for jobs.

These negative views can also be internalised, causing larger-bodied people to believe they are less deserving of respect or fair treatment because of their body size.

2. It links worth with appearance

Praising someone for losing weight reinforces the belief that the most important aspect of a person is the appearance of a smaller body, rather than valuing other qualities or achievements.

This also impacts children. Family-based weight stigma and parental comments about weight and dieting are associated with higher psychological distress in pre-adolescents and adolescents.

3. It overlooks natural diversity of body size

It holds onto the idea that there is only one “right” way for a body to look, and assumes everyone is aiming to be smaller, rather than recognising that bodies naturally come in all shapes and sizes.

4. It assumes intent

It ignores the fact that sometimes weight loss is unintentional and caused by health issues, stress, abuse, neglect or financial challenges. It’s better not to comment on someone’s body as you might inadvertently be praising illness or distress.

5. It can trigger disordered eating

It can send people who have struggled with their relationship with food back into ways of thinking that they may have worked hard to overcome. This can make old patterns of eating resurface or create new ones, particularly in adolescence, with the harm extending through to adulthood.

What to do instead

We’re not suggesting you stop complimenting people all together, as it can be beneficial to both the people receiving and giving the compliments. As Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca once said, “Whenever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.” But we need to ensure our compliments truly are kind and not inadvertently harmful.

Instead of complimenting others on weight loss, share compliments on more important attributes, such as “You have such an infectious laugh” or “I always feel happier after seeing you”. You could also compliment someone on an achievement, such as “I really admire the way you created such a fantastic event.”

Likewise, irrespective of any change in your body weight, focus your self-compliments on improvements in your wellbeing. You could tell yourself “I’m proud of myself for getting stronger” or “It feels great to be more flexible now I’m moving more.”

It’s OK not to respond when someone “compliments” you on weight loss, or even to choose not take on the labour of explaining why it’s harmful. On the days it feels challenging to speak up, be kind to yourself. Try saying something like, “Yeah, I’d rather not talk about my body”, or “I promise my weight is the least interesting thing about me.”

If you’re tempted to comment on your own or other people’s weight, learn more about the harms of weight-related comments from larger-bodied people and those who have experienced weight stigma.

Organisations such as Size Inclusive Health Australia, the Butterfly Foundation, the Embrace Collective and the National Eating Disorders Collaboration are also good sources of information.

Comments on weight loss stay with you. They can have long-term impacts on your self-worth, health and wellbeing, as well as your relationships with your family members, friends and others. So let’s not send the message that a person’s worth is measured in kilos. (The Conversation)